My body image and relationship with the scale.

These are the insidious little thoughts that are almost a running track in my mind. They are the thoughts that make me pause in the mirror, that make me micro-analyse how my clothes are fitting, that make me step on the scale multiple times a day. And recently they have been a little out of control.

Now, to be fair, I’m a long way from the girl who would eat a salad for lunch with no dressing and then spend 2 hours on the treadmill or bike ‘working it off’, but it’s wild how much mental preoccupation I still have with my body. And how the slide back into preoccupation happens.

I’m not totally sure where my current little slide has come from, but my guess would be the up-tick in Instagram consumption during school holidays. The constant bombardment of bodies and training and diet videos. It sneaks in and makes itself at home VERY quickly.

The worst part is that it’s all on the back of the numbers on the scale. They have gone up a smidge, and my brain has latched onto those numbers. But the reality is that in terms of real world application it’s just not important.

Am I training poorly? No, training has been great. I feel strong and athletic.

Do my clothes fit differently? Also, no. Clothes fit normally. Some look great, some admittedly ‘interesting’ colour choices and combinations. Moving on…

Am I eating poorly? No. Most meals are high quality, balanced meals. Carbs, fat, protein, fibre etc.

And yet, that number rattles around, making more noise than it has any right to do. I scrutinise my body. Am I bigger? Did that look like that last week? Do these shorts feel a little tighter?

In reality, what does it matter if the scales went up to a billion kilos, if all else remains equal?…

Perhaps the gravitational force of the earth has altered and bathroom scales are all reading inaccurately……

Because at the end of the day, that’s all the number on the scale is – the downward force your body experiences as a result of its mass. And thank god! Otherwise, we’d be floating around like people shaped balloons, and many aspects of life would be a lot harder.

And what is my ‘mass’? It is the internal organs that keep my systems running. It is my heart and lungs that keep me alive. It is my muscles and bones that allow me to celebrate my strength and movement. It is my brain that allows me to experience, process and interact with the amazing world around me. And it is my fat, essential for the balance and production of hormones that keep me stable, happy and not a horrible person to be around.

So what if some of that fat is evidence of an amazing weekend down south.

And how amazing if the mass is reading a little higher because of all the hard work I’ve been doing on my strength and gymnastics.

Of course, sometimes tracking weight is valuable and an awareness of whether the trend is up, down or stable is sometimes important but it is just that – a trend. And it is important to see trends, not days. And not judge the trend based on one number on one day.

I saw a post from nutritionist Jono Steedman from https://www.bitemenutrition.com.au/ that talked about changing the language around energy from calories/kilojoules to fuel. Think about the difference between saying ‘I want a low calorie breakfast’ vs ‘I want a low fuel breakfast’. Saying I want a low fuel breakfast is a disaster waiting to happen, for me and everyone around me! I would never want to put low fuel in my body, but certainly on bad body image days, the desire to limit calories is STRONG.

Just the change in language around food is actually so powerful. I want a body that moves well, trains hard and carries me through the day. I need to fuel it, not starve it down till its rolling down the freeway on fumes!

So, fuck the scale. You can go for a little while. I’m happy, I’m training well and all the clothes I love that definitely match are still fitting me.

It’s an internal battle that is so hard to keep on top of, but so worth it.

Breathe. Keep moving.